Thursday, November 22, 2018

Thanksgiving! And my super weird relationship with the holidays.

     
  Hi Everyone and welcome to one of my holiday special posts. The subject of today's musing is Thanksgiving, and holidays in general, but is a SUPER roundabout way. And we can start off with a story:

         Up until about 4 days ago, I was planning on having Thanksgiving at my sister's house up north. Then I got the news that my nephew had a particularly contagious illness, so Thanksgiving was cancelled on pretty short notice(Hoping you feel better soon little bud). This left me with the option I was pretty comfortable with and the option I ended up doing, which was to not go to a Thanksgiving at all. However, an offer was floated to travel with my other sister and attend Thanksgiving with her family and in laws. I hope that declining wasn't seen as rude, and I hope in no way that I came across as having a distaste for anyone's family*, but the bottom line for me is that I am profoundly uncomfortable going to family events that are A. Not my immediate family, and therefore full of people I don't know, and B. Going to non-family events as a last minute change that the host didn't explicitly invite me to. Sometimes I compare my discomfort to the vampiric myth of being unable to enter without invitation, except that the lack of invitation just results in me being awkward and uncomfortable rather than supernaturally unable to enter.
          But I think the real reason is that I'm not a a particularly romantic** person, so I go to events because the people I know will be there and I enjoy their company, but not with any real reverence to the event itself, and that there is an expectation of me to be there. Its utilitarian*** in a very roundabout way. Holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are all about familiar interactions for me, so if that criteria is unmet or low, I generally prefer to abstain entirely even if it might be considered socially faux pas to do so.
          And heading into a broader context, I have to admit that I also don't enjoy the holidays all that much because I am definitely not in the core demographic: The Family Unit. I obviously have family, both by blood and by familiarity but I don't have my own family, which some deep cultural and possibly genetic roots scream at me that I need. I'm also not in the highly popular secondary demographic: The Couple. And as much as I like being a "Strong independent man who don't need nobody"****, the winter season is not a particularly pleasant time for my ilk.***** I know no one asked for explanations for m strange holiday views bet here you all go. Happy Eat Your Feelings And Try To Not Hit Your Racist Uncle Day!

-Will

Editors Notes:
*No one thinks this Will, stop apologizing and get to the next place for a funny footnote.
** He means this in the dichotomy of Classical(Primarily valuing logic and structure) vs Romantic (Primarily valuing feeling and aesthetic) personalities. The only time he goes to family gatherings with romantic intentions is when he goes to my family events to flirt with my cousin Greta. Which is still pretty gross.
***Didn't you say in a previous post that the utilitarian philosophy was highly valued by the Nazis?
****You co-opted and misquoted a line originally used for female empowerment. You're climbing the douche scale fast.
***** Come off it. Everybody knows that on some weird level you enjoy being melancholy during the holidays. You just want a nice lady to be melancholy with during the holidays, but then you wouldn't be sad, so it would cancel out. For anyone else that would be approaching happy, but for you, it would probably enter some alternate version of melancholy that is even worse.      

Monday, October 22, 2018

Public Skate: BEYOND THUNDERDOME

          Warning: Old Man whingeing ahead*.
          This weeks blog post is brought to you by Nostalgia**. So, because I have a certain predilection for nontraditional forms if recreation(and because I wanted to break in my new skates), I found myself at the  Public Skate at the local ice rink. I was expecting a nice trip down memory lane from my high school skating days and a relearning of some long forgotten skating skill.
          What I got was a two hour lesson on improper skate rink management, child rearing, and just a little prehistoric zoology.
          Close your eyes and imagine, if you will, the last time you were at a skating rink in any capacity: I imagine that the traffic of the rink traveled in a reasonably uniform direction, guided by skaters clearly marked in 'STAFF' jerseys. They do their assigned duties, whistling at the skaters going too fast or against the flow, and assisting any skaters who had yet to find equilibrium and generally promoting a safe and enjoyable experience for all participants.
          Here's the reality***: It says 'Public Skate', but what it should really add is a subtitle: 'BEYOND THUNDERDOME'****. Traffic does generally go in one direction, or at least there is usually no one going in direct opposition to the largest circle of skaters on the edge. Beyond that is anyone's game. Packs of hockey kids weave between skaters, coming out of nowhere and practicing hockey stops in just the right place to cause a loss of balance, then disappearing. But these are not the deadliest predator on the ice. This is the toddlers. Armed with a wall of plastic at their front and a noted inability to stop or maintain linear velocity, they can be compared to the Velociraptor; Like the fictional version,  they strike; Suddenly and without warning,  bearing down upon you with childlike glee*****. And like their non fictional counterparts******, they are small and can disappear as soon as they have done their terrible work.
          Aside from the direct threats, there is the general lack of management and direction. Every staff member I saw was A: not on the ice, and B: did not look disposed to go out there unless a type of raid siren required then to be.
          Now, the first thought I had, and the initial response I would guess that would come back to this post is 'Well it's a public skate. Why don't you just come to the Adult Skate, where there aren't any kids to get in the way?'. And the answer loops back to that bad management I talked about. I attended the 'Adult Skate' once while I was unemployed and I enjoyed it greatly. But I immediately noticed that the other attendees were either in their 70's, or did not work standard hours. When I called to inquired about Adult Skate hours, it became clear that the title was misleading. The Adult skate is scheduled only inside the hours when 90% of adults are at work and cannot go skating, unless they are retired.******* And that does cheese me off a bit. But I'll go back next Saturday and try not to fall as much. Rant over.

-Will

Editors Notes:
*He's one if the few people I know who would use an anti aging machine in reverse if it existed
**TM. Not to be construed as actual joy.
***Not to be construed as actual reality. More of an opinionated rant
****Roll Credits
*****GET OUT WILL. NO PUNS. WE HAD A TALK ABOUT THIS.
******Velociraptors were about 2 feet tall but had an AWESOME sounding name.
*******You cannot take early retirement just because you want to skate without children present.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Adventures in dentistry!

          I kinda fell off the horse here. I haven't posted since my SCA event and I feel pretty glum about that. My editor has been out of town and he has explicitly forbade me from posting without his oversight*.  I haven't had a whole lot worth posting lately anyways, or at least nothing supremely interesting. But in the interest of honesty, I will bullet-point all the major happenings since my last post:


  • I got a job offer and am currently waiting to start
  • I got a wisdom tooth pulled
  • Democracy got just a little more fucked**.
          I didn't make a big deal out of the first one because its fairly boring. The process is bureaucratic and slow, but it is definitely happening. I'll probably move to a weekly posting schedule once I start.
          The tooth pulling is kinda cool in retrospect, and for those interested in very mildly grotesque stuff, here is a picture of the tooth in question:

          I had the tooth pulled in part because it had a cavity, and apparently the root was twisted in such a way as to be on the cusp of becoming an eldritch horror in my mouth which could cause boundless harm. Those are my dentist's words. But mostly because it was impure by virtue of the cavity, and the rest of my teeth constantly shunned its slovenly and consumptive behavior***. It just had to go. I retained its lifeless husk as a reminder to the others that the behavior will not be tolerated.
          The experience was a source of significant amusement for me not just in the macabre body horror of the experience, but also in the social interactions that happened throughout the process.  I have become aware through several recent appointments with my dentist that I am far from the average patient in terms of by behavior, both socially and physiologically. The dentist and associated staff, by virtue of how their necessary work is perceived by our culture at large, have to treat their patients more patronizingly than even other similar medical professions. This is part of the reason that I both didn't fault them for treating me like I was an imminent panic and flight risk, and in fact found myself assuaging their fears by assuring them that if I had no feeling, or feeling reduced to only minor pains, that they could go to fucking town on my jaw and I would just lay there thinking about soup. This is also the point in my life that I was made to understand that nitrous oxide serves no other purpose that to calm people who have dentist induced panic. Since I apparently don't suffer from that particular brand of anxiety*****, I opted to just have a local anesthetic.
          This too was a wild ride in terms of exploring what happens when you  have only half of the standard output that the brain traditionally understands as pain. I had all the pressure of the tooth being removed, but none of the actual nerve input. My brain was distinctly aware of the pressure, which according to both memory and physiological instinct should be accompanied by a equivalent measure of pain. It just never happened. Since my brain had no real way to categorize the pressure alone, it simply predicted that the relevant pain was forthcoming, so I kept feeling like I was about to be in extreme pain; on the cusp of it, so to speak. The best way I can describe it is to be the polar opposite of edging an orgasm. At least in this case, not cresting that particular wave was a good thing. 

-Will

Editors Notes:
*You should all be thanking me for this. He brought me 4 different drafts, one of which was 4 pages long, but only contained 4 grammatical sentences. It had 23 semicolons, 30 commas, and at least 20 separate sections in italics. As a person, Will serves as a significant reason I cant enjoy my vacations out of dread for what I'm returning to.
**This was the Kavanaugh confirmation. Will went to a rally to show solidarity with SA victims and I got roaring drunk and ripped apart a mannequin that was wearing a judges robe and beer helmet. We each do our own thing.
*** FOOD GOT STUCK IN YOUR TOOTH HOLE. Put down the thesaurus and stop anthropomorphizing everything.
****Will and I are opposites in this category. I bring a legal release to every dentist appointment  advising them that they are to give me "80% of a lethal dose" of nitrous oxide, otherwise I am a property damage liability.         

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

SCA Banner War Retrospective

Ok. Getting back into this. Might take me a minute.

          I didn't make a post on Friday, as the prophecy dictates, and for that I apologize,but I have my reasons. The reasons in question being that I was suddenly invited to embark on a journey I have not undertaken in some time: The Society for Creative Anarchronism, or SCA, specifically for the event Banner War.
         This event was a little different for me for a number of reasons, the primary two being that: A.I apparently have nearly no skills when it comes to camping under precipitation*. And B: that Banner War received a visitation from one of my Media Idols at the previous years event(which he cataloged himself in his particular venue), so I was hoping that a repeat visitation would be in order. This was not the case, but it nonetheless illuminated my experiences in a subtly different way, and I found certain experiences that I had mirroring those, including the aftermath , which I will catalog at the end of this post, since the lines of thought are different enough to merit separation. But if you don't want to read that one later: I got deliriously sick as soon as I got home.
          But right now I want to talk about my experiences in the SCA, in both a positive and a negative light, as especially through the lens of this year's Banner War. While making the drive down to the Masonic Park in Snohomish, two things were already pretty clear to me: This would be the most non-regional event I had been too since my first foray in 2012, which happened near Bremerton. And this would be the wettest. I now readily admit that my SCA experience has definitely been on easy mode.           Rainy camping completely changes the paradigm for just about every aspect of camping. I had purchased and was prepared to make two full meals a day for two people. But with my minimal rain protection and equally bad lighting, maintaining a functional kitchen was basically impossible. I cooked once aside from morning coffee, and I'm pretty sure I risked seriously under-cooked food. Just about every other campsite had secured, or gained invitation to a campsite that had access to a covered structure that served both as meeting and leisure, as well as a kitchen setup.
          There were a lot of cool things that I was allowed to partake in as well. I was a member of the spectating chorus for carbomb races, and even was allowed to challenge the Lord of Bacyn, head of one of my favorite houses, to a single race, which I proudly bested him in. My biggest moment, though, was when I got to play my autoharp and sing songs for the drunken afterparty, which was a step up for me in both SCA Barding and my mundane pursuit of performance. Until Saturday night, I had never performed my autoharp for more that 5 people. That night, I performed for well over 50**, which was a confidence boon i could not imagine until I felt it.
          What this really drives home for me is that if I want to participate next year(which I do), it is very much time to invest more heavily in the SCA than I have been, both in money and in effort towards custom. At the very least, I need to register as a full member and petition to join a damn house.

Follow up:
          So, I had an inkling I might be coming down with something just before I set out for Banner War, but after I had started preparation and set out, it had resolved itself to little more than a runny nose. But I have noticed in the past that this behavior is less of an immune-response than a kind of demonic pact: I am given leave of the majority of my symptoms until my desired event has concluded, but upon its conclusion, the severity returns, seemingly in proportion with the length it was held back for.  I had no sooner unloaded and unpacked my gear after returning home, than I collapsed in a feverish delirium which did not cease for almost two days. Even while writing I still feel its lingering effects.

-Will         

Editors Notes:

*You're almost 30 years old and you don't know how to camp in the rain. I don't think I can reasonably express that level of shame without violating some kind of law, even if it ends up being a natural one.
**50 drunk people. Don't let your head get too big, champ.

         

Thursday, September 13, 2018

20 ways to explain a mundane activity badly

          This is a list of things we do every day. See how many of these regular activities you can identify based on the questionable descriptions below. Warning, some of them are very risque'.

  1. Lay back and let a stranger explore your mouth, sometimes drawing blood.
    ----
  2. Wander aimlessly in a sea of green until a local helps you find growth.
    ----
  3. Indirectly arrange and direct electrons until you make sharp, joyful breaths.
    ----
  4. Swing with a partner until you cant get it up anymore.
    ----
  5. Send a relative to the best sauna available.
    ----
  6. Sad musical chairs.
    ----
  7. Give your noble steed a proctology exam
    ----
  8. Go to a strangers house and have a nap.
    ---- 
  9. (with number 8)Tell everyone your opinion of the people you never met after you leave.
    ----
  10. Call up a stranger and ask them to fix something you don't understand, then be upset because they did and you don't know how (or didn't, but they absolutely should know how.)
    ----
  11. Receive a call from a stranger who babbles incoherently at you until they feel better, then hangs up after calling you names. Repeat weekly.*
    ----
  12. Citing the french revolution as inspiration, make an example of several million bourgeois blades of grass, ensuring they respect the working class. Repeat monthly.
    ----
  13. Make uncomfortably sensual noises while a stranger tenderizes you.
    ----
  14. Tell someone your deepest feelings and longings. Wait 1-3 weeks for them to be aware.
    ----
  15. Spend 3 weeks learning what not to do. Do anyways
    ----
  16. Spend the same 3 weeks learning what to do. Never do any of it, ever.
    ----
  17. Call a relative long distance and then pretend to be them when they don't answer.
    ----
  18. In the style of the Romans, eat until you physically cannot, throw up, and go back for pie.
    ----
  19. The endless torment that stretches out, each moment confirming more than the last that you have passed beyond the veil and are now in a pit of hell, doomed to endless toil, your mind wasting away into complete madness as the ringing of sacrificial bells tolls you closer to oblivion.**
    ----
  20. Beach combing for terrible prizes.
---------------
---------------
---------------
---------------
Answers:
  1. Going to the dentist
  2. Wandering around the Lowe's garden section until someone helps you find fertilizer
  3. Watching Youtube videos
  4. Doing tandem crunches at the gym
  5. Cremation
  6. Speed Dating
  7. Getting your car an emissions test.
  8. Staying at n AirBnB
  9. Reviewing your AirBnB
  10. Call Tech Support
  11. Doing Tech Support
  12. Mow the Lawn
  13. Get a massage
  14. Write a love letter
  15. Take a diet and exercise class
  16. Take a diet and exercise class
  17. Use a Ouija board 
  18. Dinner at Grandma's
  19. Waiting in line at the DMV
  20. Cleaning the litter box.
-Will

Editors Notes:

*WE GET IT, YOU'RE AN IT GUY.
**Nope. Not even going near this. Its a level of his psyche I want nothing to do with.



Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Staying safe on the internet

          Its been a strange day. I discovered my debit card had been compromised. This was most likely because of an internet faxing service I had used*, because the IRS hasn't moved into this century yet, but it got me thinking about information security, so I thought I'd share a little wisdom about staying safe on the internet.

4 ways to not get ripped off on the internet:

  1. HTTPS. The first one is something that goes relatively unnoticed but has gained a particular amount of prominence in the last few months. Look at the left side of the address bar of whatever browser you're using. The address most likely starts with HTTPS. Now as you ramble about the internet, keep an eye on the addresses of sites you visit. You might notice that occasionally it starts with HTTP, with the S being omitted. And this is important: If there is no S, either get off the website or find a version that has HTTPS because it is terribly unsafe. The S literally stands for 'Secure' and means that your information is encrypted against people sniffing the info. It doesn't necessarily stop people from grabbing the raw data, but all they get when they read it is garbled nonsense. Luckily if you use google chrome, the distinction is made much more obvious, since google started identifying any HTTP based website with a 'Secure/Not secure' listing next to the address. Thanks again google!**
  2. Grammar counts. One of the age old ways to stop an internet scam is to proofread***. The first line of defense in the war on scammers is to remember that they are cunning but ultimately lazy. They don't check their content for spelling, punctuation, or in some cases, English, because that amount of effort puts them at a net negative in the time-value calculation****, so they fling their badly written dribble as quickly and as much as possible and collect whatever comes back. Whenever you get an email or go to a website, just ask yourself: could a 5th grader write more coherently than this, and judge accordingly.
  3. Old things. This one is a two-parter. Internet fraud artists ply their trade largely on old people; who don't understand the internet, and old technology; which doesn't work well with the internet. Often it is done in tandem, because you have someone who likes using old technology and wants it to interface with the new. This is precisely how I got duped*****, though obviously I'm not that old******. I needed to send a fax from the internet rather than a fax machine, and chose the wrong 'service' to do it. So if you need to merge old tech with new, talk to a professional instead of clicking things on the internet.
  4. Name Branding. As uncomfortable as it is to some people with the 'buy local' attitude, on the internet, the bigger the name, the more trustworthy they are(I caution here that this just means that they are more trustworthy in a transactional-legal sense. It's the ethics question. They might screw you, but they'll just do it legally, and they wont charge you anything outside of what their lengthy and impossible to understand agreements say they will. So its kind of like deciding if you want to have a shitty day now or on buy it on layaway.) A large, well known company has a lot to lose if they don't appear to be running legally and providing a secure, safe service. Remember the Target breach? They lost some serious credibility and profit over that, and it was largely due to neglect rather than malice on their part. Imagine what would happen if that kind of thing happened regularly and knowingly?
          What I'm getting at here is that the internet preys on people who are unfamiliar with it. So take a class, talk to someone experienced, or just stay off the internet entirely and keep writing checks at the supermarket.*******

-Will

Editor's Notes:

* He's way less sure of this than he'll admit.He does enough dumb stuff on the internet that you could steal his identity with a google search.
**This is unrelated, but he has a google home and always thanks it when it does stuff for him. The disembodied voice doesn't require your appreciation you tool.
***Ironically something he needs me to do and probably how he got his card compromised.
****Based on which I am out about $300 and one cheese omelette.
***** See footnote 1. He surfs the internet like a tourist covered in steaks in a shark tank.
****** Last week he asked a date what their favorite 'Anime' is and almost cried when they said 'Naruto'. It got worse when they said they 'found out there's an anime based on Pokemon Go'.
*******I HATE EVERYONE WHO DOES THIS WITHOUT EXCEPTION


   

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Try not to make it personal: An unlicensed guide to discourse in the modern era.

Welcome to the start of a new school year!

          That's what I would say if I was in school, which I'm still giving some serious thought. But I'm not, so we can move on.

          Today I want to talk about what I will continue to refer to as dreaded politics. I'm not trying to undermine the importance of politics and the civic duty of being politically informed. The title is more of a statement on where social interaction goes when topics under the heading of 'political' get brought up. And that place is approximately into the toilet, due to the Backfire Effect. I'm not going to go over the particulars for you. The Oatmeal does a particularly good job of that here.
          The point is that because of this, and because of the deeply divided nature of politics, and other issues. It inevitably leads a political conversation to be less of an exchange of facts to establish an agreed statement, but instead to an informational snowball fight, where we chuck our best soundbytes regardless of actual validity or context.
          Situational Example: Two young men are at a party. And they strike up a conversation about common ancestry and about the bible. One man,(Lets call him 'Dave'), is a devout Christian and while not taking a completely literal interpretation of the bible, he believes in the idea that there was an Adam and Eve, that were common ancestors of all modern humans. The other, (Lets call him 'Buster'), is a staunch Atheist, and with that, has no truck with what he calls 'Biblical nonsense'. And believes in no sense that there is single common ancestor, believing instead that we grew as a species, but there was no 'Adam and Eve' pair at all. At first the conversation is informative for both sides. They learned things about pair bonding, and migration patterns. It was great until they came up to the core of the discussion:

"There absolutely was no Adam and Eve." says Buster. "Species are large malleable groups that evolve and don't bottleneck to single reproductive pairings"

Dave is a fairly reasonable person. He believes in a sort of Proto-Evolution, and he tempers his Christian beliefs enough to allow for it as a more complex version of 'The Creators Plan'. But between Buster's tone, and making a statement in direct contradiction of the biblical text, Dave officially falls of the 'Reasonable' cliff and starts trying to protect his belief's. And his first volley in this conflict is one of my least favorite: The Cliche Misconception.

If I had to list out the top 10 weapons in the death of discourse, coming in at around #5 would be the use of the 'Cliche Misconception' Which is the use of a fact or set of facts, which sound perfect for your viewpoint, but are either factually accurate, but misleading, or factually inaccurate entirely, having often been wholesale disproven long ago. They nonetheless find their way into the Zeitgeist and come back again and again, robbing people of their ability to rationally discuss any topic.

Some wonderful examples of this in the modern era:

  • Vaccines causing Autism
  • Eating fat alone makes you fat
  • Mother birds abandon chicks who are touched
  • Flat Earth
So Dave responds, "Well they had to start somewhere, and animals of different species can't interbreed, so there had to be a single point of origin and speciation." Quoting the common misconception that the defining characteristic of the species classification is that two species cannot reproduce together, which is only about half true*.  The defining idea here is that he has already read otherwise, but his brain is selecting the best information to defend with, not necessarily the most accurate. **

And this becomes a stepping stone for both sides that eventually completely obscures the discussed topic, and has both hurling insults. I'll summarize for the sake of time:

"You're in a cult for a murderous imaginary friend!"
"You think we evolved from monkeys!"
And now paraphrasing(for even BETTER time savings):
"You now represent the opposite of everything I find to be Good"
"(repeat)"

And hopefully the conversation ends when their partners take away their wine and scold them for 'Making a scene'

          The point here, and the question I am always asking, both of my own interactions, and of others is: How do we stop this cycle? How do we have a conversation about topics like this without letting our emotions turn it into a verbal(or physical) fight. I don't have the answer, but I came up with some guidelines, which are kind of outlined by the Oatmeal comic above, but I'll make my own statement.

  • Am I disagreeing with the statement or with the person? (Has this debate already gotten personal?). This usually requires backing up the discussion with the other person and getting it back on track if possible.
  • Don't be too neutral. Utilitarianism is a particularly cold line of thought organization built around efficiency and is often the tagline of people who believe that the nature of the universe is to be ordered and fair, therefore less regulation of systems*** will always cause them to be more balanced. This is kind of true in a physics sense(Things become more chaotic, but more evenly balanced), but not in sense that is appropriate to life and consciousness****. Life is not efficient, and in fact struggles under too much efficiency because as organisms, we need energy to use on enjoying the fruits of our labor. A viewpoint predicated on the idea that people should be able to keep living already has a non neutral stance because it implies that we should expend at least a minimum effort towards keeping others alive. If your argument reduces someone to a number to their detriment, or depends on not acknowledging their needs as humans*****, then re-check that you're even on the right side.
  • If you can't stop yourself from getting heated and personal, at least find the right venue and don't ruin everyone's day unless its really important to do so.******

Will -


Editors Notes:

-You probably notice that editors notes and footnotes are interchangeable. That's because I go through the post and add context to some of the more unclear, or, frankly, dull moments. I'm lucky Will remembers punctuation.

*I spent 2 hours looking up a cohesive definition of species, but there just isn't one. The definition changes dramatically, depending on which subset of biology or zoology(or taxonomy) is doing the defining. The most commonly accepted definition in terms of biology and evolution is a stage at which two groups cannot produce viable offspring. So making a mule still counts as inter-species erotica.  
 ** The weirdest part about this fictional argument is that they are both sort of right. We can genetically trace our lineage to a mitochondrial x chromosome ancestor and an originating y chromosome ancestor. However, note two things:  
  • Mitochondrial Eve actually changes to someone else as certain sub lineages of humans die off, meaning that the common x chromosome ancestor of all humans becomes someone more recent. 
  • The currently accepted Mitochondrial Eve died an estimated 50,000 years before Chromosomal 'Adam' was born, they likely didn't live on the same continent, and he is her distant grandson. Take that Fry.
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitochondrial_Eve (Yes its a Wikipedia article, but the bibliography section is longer than this whole blog post. We're ok)
*** Fun fact: There are two groups who most closely align with the Utilitarian ideals(though often highly distorted for personal gain): Libertarians, and Nazis. Just putting that out there. I'm not saying that Utilitarianism is inherently bad, but it is a malleable enough concept to be twisted to some super shitty ideologies.
**** I have had the 'Deregulation will fix everything' argument with so many people I may just distill it down to asking them to get into a room with a boiling pressure cooker and saying 'Don't worry, I removed the pressure regulation valve!' 
***** "Food? If you needed food you shouldn't be starving in the first place. Thinking ahead is all you need to do to avoid these situations."
****** I'm saving Will from himself and the collective wrath of the internet by saying that visibility for vocalizing issues is important. Kneel during the game, make people understand that bad things are happening; just don't angrily knock over a bottle of Rose' because 'Jerry is a shill who doesn't understand the regulatory importance of the capitol gains tax.' We want to be invited back over. 


         

Friday, August 31, 2018

Technology: Annoying us into healthy habits.

           I have a historically bumpy relationship with having a healthy lifestyle. The only times I can recall being at what would be considered an athletically competitive weight were times when I wasn't actively interested in being healthy. It came as more of a byproduct of my lifestyle at the time; IE, working high hour, manual labor positions.
          Then in 2011, I suffered a hernia in my groin area, had surgery, and ended up being completely off work and off my feet for about 6 weeks, then light duty for another 2 months, which became permanent because my old position had been filled. During just this time, I went from a fit 165 pounds, to 175*, and it precipitated what I call the 'Tides' of weight I have fluctuated through ever since, pin-balling from 185 all the way up to 200 and back, depending on how seriously I was trying to be fit. But since my efforts were always intentional rather than a byproduct of 8 hours grueling labor, getting it to stick by motivation alone wasn't working out so great.
          It also does not help that in 2011 and continuing until 2016, I had almost no self control when it came to food. Down the hatch, everything all the time. I was increasing my exercise, but I developed the unfortunate mindset that 'high exercise=high calorie intake'. And while more calories are important to the exercise process, I had no way to really gauge it. So a 5 mile run would be immediately followed by an entire pizza.
          This brings me to the meat and potatoes** of today's post which is how technology can enhance life and help us overcome our tendencies. In 2015, I picked up a Galaxy Gear S2 Classic smartwatch. There are a plethora of health apps out there, and being a Samsung geek, I had at least a passing relationship with Samsung Health(S Health, Gear Health? They keep changing the name.) But having the Watch made it a more noticeable presence in my life. From the moment I put it on, it started being the naggiest piece of tech I had ever had. Every hour it would condescendingly vibrate and let me know: 'You've been sitting for over 40 minutes. Why don't you go and do something?' This was annoying but it started having an effect on me. In order to avoid getting nagged to death by what I usually referred to as my 'wrist mounted mother' I would respond to the notifications by standing up and having a stretch.The watch would then also patronize me for getting up, as if to say ' I'm so glad you're being less useless. I'll nag you again in an hour.'
          What I found was that the semi humorous nagging of my technology was creating an awareness of what I did in my day to day life. After a few rounds of updating the watch UI and couple years, I eventually turned off the nags, but the behavior had remained. I found myself standing up and stretching every hour or so like clockwork, the watch still let me know if I was doing anything brisk for more than 10 minutes, and most importantly of all, it allowed me to quantify two areas of my health that I had no ability to reasonably track earlier: Calories in(food), and calories out(exercise). And it was able to do it with astonishing precision. The food tracker had just about any food ever mass produced with a nutrition table, and the exercise tracker was capable of tracking reps, duration, heart rate, and even altitude***. And with that, I'm now on a path to being a healthier me.****

-Will


Editor's notes:

*If I knew someone that gained 10 pounds in 6 weeks, I would assume they were currently bodybuilding or smuggling cocaine. Either way, I'd drug test them
**Literally every meal until he got the watch.
*** "Galbraith mountain is almost 1500 feet high at The Bluffs!" He never shuts up about this. 
****There are two empty pizza boxes right behind his office chair. They were not empty yesterday.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Filling in the wee hours of the morning.

          I, am , by nature, an early morning person. With a recurrence rate around 95%, I am almost invariably up and out of bed by 8:30. And this presents me with a few issues:

1. My pathological need to do something, especially in the morning. I can probably blame my dad for that annoying habit. I spent my high school summers down in Utah working with my dad on a little business call 'Outlaw Bar-B-Q'(Still in operation, with staffing changes). While not the clearest memories, certainly the most frequent was the morning routine, which started at 4:00, and proceeded through the same steps: Wake up Call, Coffee, Cigarette, Chit Chat, Jacket, Truck(it is only hot in Utah when the sun is visible. Bring a coat.)  In all the summers I spent with him, he only ever broke that rhythm once, so he could get up at 6. So lazy. I know. And it seems like that's where my internal clock got stuck, accompanied by an intense desire to do something useful. And at my present state* there isn't a lot of things to be done aside from job hunt and do laundry.

2. I am a Millenial**, but the majority of my contemporaries have a sleep schedule for non work days that has them up by the ungainly hour of 11 AM, so most people I know are either working, asleep, or dead.


So How do I fill these morning hours?

With literally anything I can:

Today's unneeded project:


Background:

I bought a table yesterday. My friend Julie helped me pick it up and assemble it. It looks like Stained Oak or some other very nice wood.

This morning, as soon as I got up,
I removed the table top by unscrewing all 4 mounting bolts,
Tightened the screws mounting the top section to the trunk of the table leg, re mounted the table top,
flipped the entire table over, re tightened the mounting point between the feet and the trunk, then righted the table. Why?

The table was a little wobbly.

This is primary insight into how I work as a person. I tried to fix a completely inconsequential problem with an insane amount of work because I was bored. It's also the reason I made this blog post. Which took 40 minutes to write.

I haven't even made coffee yet.


Editors Notes:

*Unemployed
** Read: Douche
*** This isn't a footnote from anything specific up there, but Will texted me at 9:30 and asked me to edit this before he posted it. I'm not on your schedule, dude, let me sleep. 
****I pulled this garbage heap down to half its original size, mostly because Will felt compelled to detail what he plans to do with the table after: sanding, staining, drying, refinishing, blah, blah, blah. Go to be a carpenter, you tool, and let the rest of us be.     

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Gross beers and Kilts: a view from the outside

          Beer has always been a complex topic for me. In terms of flavor, there are moments when I readily agree with Randall Munroe's opinion on it, but by the same token, there are beers that I have come to genuinely enjoy. Today's beer, the Kulshan du Saison, had at K2 here in Bellingham, falls very clearly in the former category, probably more so that most beers I have ever had. It was pretty gross. It coated my tongue like metal flakes and rotting green apples. 

In terms of my palate, beer generally falls into two categories:

Beer that tastes good to me;
Beer that does not taste good to me, but probably tastes good to other people;

          I make it a point to understand that things that I do not enjoy might be enjoyable to other people. Even things like Steel Reserve and 4Loko have a certain demographic that enjoys them, it just happens to not be me. However, my experience has prompted me to add a third category to my Proprietary Beer Rankings(PBR'S):

Beer that is in fact/or at least appropriately comparable to cat pee.

Kulshan, I love all the beers you have made. Just fix that one.


Additional:

          I ordered a new kilt last week since I had outgrown* my previous one and I've been wearing it to keep things fresh**. I was out less than an hour and as soon as I got home, my sister texted me that a friend had texted her that I was "Straight BAMF" after seeing me out of her car window. I had to look up that term to find out what it means because apparently I'm 67 years old and cant keep up with the street lingo.

-Will A






Editor's Notes:
* Got too fat for
** Couldn't be bothered to wash any real pants





Introductions, misc, etc, TCP/IP, DNS, CDC, DNR.

Hi blogosphere,

Welcome to the best, smartest, funniest, most tax deductible, appropriate for minors, will not get you in trouble with your mom, blog ever written.

          Ok, literally none of that stuff is true right now, but I'll see if I can pull off 1/6 by the end of the year. Your mom might like it if shes into that kind of thing.

          A little about me: I'm a 29 year old IT guy with a big mouth, an abundance of free time(at the moment) and snark, and only 85% of the standard limb count compared with my demographic. So putting together a blog seemed like one of the most reasonable outlets. I'm mild(ish) mannered, but easily excitable. Moms love me for some reason.(Ask most of my exes what their moms thought of me and you would not believe what gets said. It gets kinda gross).
         
          I want to set some expectations about this blog, so that you can decide if you want to come back for the regularly scheduled content: This is technically an opinion or comedy blog, but that's only because I'm trying to categorize what happens inside my head and all you could consistently say about that is that it is (attempting to be)funny, and I voice some things very strongly. Everything else is debatable. I'll post at least one recipe, guaranteed.
          But I don't want this to be all about me. When I get some subscribers that aren't from the CIA or Google analytics, you guys are what helps me shape my content. Tell me what you like. Tell me your dreams, tell me your deepest darkest fears, but most importantly, tell me your preference on curtains in a dining room, because white blinds in my house are just the worst.
          I look forward to entertaining, enlightening, charmingly disarming, or even lightly buttering you in the weeks to come. I'm hoping to do a MWF posting schedule, but ideas have no time table, supposedly. Plus I've got stuff to do.

Stay tuned and here's two thumbs up(attempted) for luck.